just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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