Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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