No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
