We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
