just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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