Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
