The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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