it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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