all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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