Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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