Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i out mim tonsoeep
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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