the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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