Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
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There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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