is your mom at the bar?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
