I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i would punch a child for taco bell
seriously i just wanna be friends
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren