Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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