I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
