If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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