its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
worst night to have a conscience
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
