im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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