ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
