3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My ass is underappreciated
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
