it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
