apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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