But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
