i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
