Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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