How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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