ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
