Rock
Scissors
Fuck
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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