It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
