Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
