Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
