You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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