Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
