I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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