Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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