Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
