Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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