apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
