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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
