Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
