The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
she told me i tasted like america
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
