yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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