i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
