I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
