Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
