Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
