woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize