Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
