we have officially lost it.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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