there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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