it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he shaved USA in his pubs
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
